Saturday, July 31, 2010

Difficult Times

Here I am again with more problems to tell...ha well this summer was really great! Im not going to lie, it was really amazing compared to other summers! But these last two weeks have been hell. (Excuse my language please) As it turns out, my boyfriend of 11 months cheated on me and had been for over a month. That was the hardest blow i had ever gone through... i have never trusted someone as much as i trusted him. You might be thinking "Wow i would hate someone who did that to me" but no not me, I give people way too many chances and i am a very forgiving person. That means i get screwed all the time. I dont hate him. He does confuse me though. We are still together and working things out. I do love him with all my heart. Im sure of it. Although i hate to admit it, i lost my virginity to this guy. I regret it at times but i know deep down i dont. Before i met him, I always thought i would lose my virginity on my wedding night. I fell so in love with him that i decided to stop waiting. I wanted to show him how much i really loved him and dont get me wrong, he DID NOT force me or pressure me to have sex with him! I did it on my own account. Basically, i guess its my fault i got really hurt by the incident...I should have waited. This is just one of those life lessons that you have to learn and deal with. I am so confused about what to do right now, all i know to do is to not trust him so soon again. Besides that, I am afraid of being hurt again but i dont want to leave his side. Hopefully, the answer will come to me but for now, im just lost.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Lost: Here I go...

Lost: Here I go...: "Yea im new to this so im sorry if this doesnt really catch any interest. First of all, im 15 so yea most of the things i'll post will be dum..."

Here I go...

Yea im new to this so im sorry if this doesnt really catch any interest. First of all, im 15 so yea most of the things i'll post will be dumb to some people. I am just using this as a way to express some things that annoy or confuse me. Mostly because i have trouble telling the people that are close to me. I know your reaction might be something like "How hard is a 15 year old's life?" haha. Very, very true. How hard is a 15 year old's life?? Well lets analyze. First of all, there's a lot of peer pressure and then there's self esteem. Sure that isnt the tough part. To me, acceptance has always been tough. High school is all about acceptance. What i mean, is that, you have to have some people who accept you for you. But then again, you dont. Lunch in high school is the main location for acceptance. If you sit at a table by yourself, you are considered a loser. If you sit at a table with a lot of other people, you are considered socially active. The school i go to is pretty great. There are a lot of people willing to be friends with you but one wrong turn is all it takes for them to desert you. I would be considered as someone who has a lot of friends but i really dont have many friends. Those "friends" I hang out with are really more like Acquaintances. And by that i mean, people you can have a laugh with and have simple conversation. In reality, i only have about 3 people i really trust. One of them that i am about to mention has been with me through very hard times. His name is Devin. I met him on Myspace about a year and a half ago. He was always easy to talk to. A few months passed and i realized that i liked him more than a friend. (There is a long story about him which i will probably save for another time.) A few months later, we started dating. I was cautious, of course, but I learned to get my guard down and trust him. We have been together for 11 months and I know for a fact, that he IS the love of my life as well as he is my best friend. He knows me for me, he knows my likes and dislikes, he has taught me to screw acceptance. Why worry about what people think about you if they really don't know you personally? Why dress up for society? People say I am really mature for my age but who knows? What is mature? I just have a somewhat abstract point of view.